User Manual

Your Own User Manual

From the soul's structure of a person, nobody receives a manual

Introduction

Life can be experienced in infinitely many different ways. In every mind, a unique universe plays out with its own associations, memories, desires, beliefs, interests, emotions, you name it. It's a jumble of information that as a human being, you somehow have to make sense of. Now, that's been the case for all times, because even though life may have changed in pace and intensity, the themes are universal and timeless. When you read the 'old stories', you see that very little has changed. The figures are still playing the exact same games with each other, only now with power steering, wifi, and air conditioning.

For some, the struggle with life is harder than for others. And whether this has to do with the cards they have been dealt, or the 'choices' they have made (and most likely a combination thereof), we are ultimately all humans with our own contradictions, talents, pitfalls, ups and downs. All, to a certain extent, in search of something we call "happiness," whatever that may mean.

The fact remains that we are where we are, and one way or another, we have to make something of it. Whatever you believe, wherever you come from, and however you look at life, you at least have to deal with at least one person: yourself. And dealing with yourself in a healthy way is perhaps one of the most important and difficult challenges in life. You are in your body, in your head, with your specific thoughts, feelings, frustrations, irritations, blisses, and desires 24 hours a day. Thus, the way you know yourself and deal with yourself is essential for a meaningful existence. The way of dealing with yourself not only determines how you feel, how you deal with others, how they deal with you, how you view and influence the world, but it largely determines the choices you make. And ultimately, life is a series of choices. When you know yourself well, know what moves you, where your interests, talents, pitfalls, growth opportunities, and obstacles lie, the chances are greater that you make choices that are good for you, fit well with you, help you grow, and will ultimately bring you to a path where you feel at home.

The (Too) Busy Existence of Modern Humans

Because we now live in a time where we are literally bombarded to death with an overwhelming (mostly unsolicited) stream of information, temptations, and other stimuli, it's important to find a way to navigate yourself through it in a healthy manner. It is a big challenge to determine your own direction and not get sucked into the latest random hype, the influence of (social) media, or the marketing machine - based on an algorithm - that is made to entice you in the most efficient way to focus your attention on something that really isn't important in your life.

That bombardment of stimuli all fighting for your attention takes its toll. Many people suffer under the loaded life: work, social contacts, relationship(s), financial obligations, the 'news', health, household, politics, children, hobbies, social media, administration, regulatory affairs, and whatever else you can think of. All these components try to claim their attention, and if you're not careful, you'll be buried under them. The risk is not only that you can become exhausted, but also that you no longer know where to focus: overwhelmed and paralyzed by the amount of choices, tasks, and stimuli.

Our physical and mental system is often running at full speed, and the question is what we give back to ourselves. The fact remains that if you ask more of something than you give back, you build up debts. These debts will be collected one way or another. This can mean fatigue, burnout, poor concentration, but also more serious problems like diseases, physical complaints, anxiety, depression, panic, loneliness, burnout, and so on.

You might also wonder where the limits of a healthy human existence lie. The discussion whether the current way of life is healthy for us and whether the system we have created is sustainable, is perhaps a very interesting one, however, that is not something we can directly influence at this moment and thus irrelevant for now. It's important for now to learn to cope with the current circumstances. In other words, focus on your circle of influence: what can I do to improve myself (and thereby my immediate surroundings)? How can I make choices that help me determine my path, make choices I can stand behind, and look at myself in the mirror? How can you combine short- and long-term interests so that you can be in the here and now while considering the future? How can you arrange your environment so that you don't perish but instead stay healthy, protect yourself, and take care of yourself? How do you process all the stimuli, emotions, feelings, thoughts, doubts? How do you actually maintain a body, a mind, and a soul? How do you give back to yourself what you ask from the other side. Where is the manual?

How to Start?

Try to imagine what it would be like to create a user manual for your best friend, your partner, son/daughter, colleague, father/mother, pet, whoever (someone you know well and love). What would it look like? Start, for example, by thinking about what a good day would look like for that person, then a good week, then a good month, quarter, year, etc.

Think about the following questions: How often should he/she exercise? How many hours to study? How much to meet with friends? How often to clean, drink a beer, what time to get up, how early to go to bed, how much social media? How much work? What kind of work environment would suit this person? Where to go on vacation? What are the conditions for this person to function well and healthily both physically and mentally. Where are the pitfalls? How do you deal with setbacks, learning processes, sorrow?

Often, you can see quite well what is good for others, because you can often see more from the outside than from the first-person perspective. It's much easier to take a helicopter view when you don't also have to stand on the ground at the same time. But instead of looking at the needs of that other person, try doing this for yourself now and see how far you get. Let's try making your user manual.

Try to see this as an exercise where you will look at yourself in a way you perhaps haven't done before. From the perspective of an observer. Perhaps you can discover very valuable information that can help you to better deal with difficult circumstances, make more use of the opportunities you have, and put yourself in a position where you can fully develop yourself.

The user manual has 5 parts:

1. Analysis (who you are)
2. Rituals & Habits (what you do most)
3. Relaxation & Maintenance (how you relax and recharge)
4. Love & Comfort (how you patch yourself up and love yourself)
5. Challenges & Goals (how you keep yourself sharp)

Click HERE to see a filled-in version..

Note 1: this is not a 5-minute job, take your time, you certainly don't have to fill it all in at once.

Note 2: if you can't figure it out ask others how they see you, or fill it out for someone else, sometimes that's easier.

1. Analysis

Let's first get some basic things straight. Fill in the following questions.

• Name.
• Age.
• Hobbies.
• Partner.
• Friends:
• Pet(s):
• Role model: (someone you respect / look up to)

Rate the following aspects of your life from 1-10 (1 = disgracefully bad, 10 = couldn't be better)

• Eating:
• Sleeping:
• Exercising:
• Relaxing:
• Social contact:
• Sense of purpose:

These are my core values (see list, choose as many as you think is right)

This is my personality (according to Myers-Briggs, 16 personality test, see link) https://www.16personalities.com/nl/persoonlijkheidstest

This is my enneagram (+wing):

These are my greatest talents:

These are my pitfalls:

These are the goals I want to achieve with this user manual:

On this date, I will start

This is my mission in life (see attachment what a mission is)

This is my vision of life (see attachment what a vision is)

2. Values, Rituals, and Habits

If you want to know what your life will look like in 5 years, look at your habits

Life consists largely of habits (also called 'patterns'). This also forms the basis for a good day/week and thus potentially for long-term stability. So, if you ensure that your habits are healthy, good, and constructive, that you stand behind what you do, then you have a solid foundation to build on.

You can create these habits or patterns in your life by first determining how you would like to deal with certain regularly recurring (standard) situations. You can practice this as a ritual. This ritual then becomes a habit or pattern if you keep it up long enough. A ritual can be: the way you greet your friend(s) when they come in; the way you talk to your children; what you do before you go to bed; the first thing you do when you get up; where you eat and with whom; how you manage and divide the household chores; the last thing you do before you go to sleep; how often you exercise and with whom; how you celebrate victories and deal with loss; with bad days; with setbacks. It is essentially everything that returns with great regularity in life.

To be able to determine where you base your habits and patterns on, it's good to look at your core values. Because your core values determine the hierarchy of your personal importance. It forms the foundation on which you base your decisions.

Let's look at some habits and rituals and try to answer for yourself.

Starting the day: the perfect morning ritual This is when I get up and this is my morning ritual: This is what I especially DO in the morning This is what I especially DON'T do in the morning:

Ending the day: the perfect evening ritual This is about when I go to bed and this is my evening ritual, This is what I especially DO in the evening This is what I especially DON'T do in the evening

General rules that you think are good to adhere to: See examples at filled-in version

Other questions you could try to answer for yourself: This is a bad habit I want to get rid of This is what a good weekend looks like This is the relationship I would like to have with my parents This is the relationship I want with my children This is how I want to interact with my friends This is how I want to treat my pet This is how I would like to be known to others (reputation) These are my valuable social contacts This is a perfect chill day This is a perfect productive day These are the kind of days I should try to avoid or minimize

The goal: your vision of a meaningful existence Describe now how you would like to do it. Where are you headed? If you have nothing to work towards, you're just swimming around. So, for example, instead of coffee and a cigarette in the morning, running and a shake. Instead of being on your phone when your children come home, put your phone away and spend 5 minutes together, with your full attention. It doesn't matter what it is, as long as you stand behind it, there is no universal right or wrong, but there is something you can stand behind and something that actually stands against you.

Note: this is an aspiration and you will never be able to express this exactly. In fact, there must be flexibility in it otherwise it's not living anymore. What matters is that you don't deviate too far from what you think is good for you. So more a point to focus on It is essential to know where you approximately want to go (and also where you especially don't want to go) to be able to move well in life.

Step 3. Relaxation and Maintenance.

Everything that gets attention, grows

Your body, brain, spirit, and soul need maintenance. What that maintenance looks like varies greatly from person to person and also from period to period in your life. At one moment, it can be a cabin in the woods, a book, on the couch with a blanket, at another moment being with friends, dining out, cinema, sauna, festival, vacation. The kind of stimuli that recharge your battery at a specific moment is important to explore, because this is a part of your maintenance plan.

You could generally say that you occasionally need time to experience no (or: not too many) stimuli. So that your brain doesn't have to work so hard to process information (note: doing fun things, social engagements are also stimuli). So even if you're more the type of person who recharges from a festival, a night of going hard and lots of action, sometimes it's necessary to just completely shut off and let your system come to rest, however hard that may sometimes seem.

Describe what a maintenance day looks like. When you know what these kinds of days can look like, you can start to think for yourself how often you think you need this to stay mentally and physically healthy. Then really schedule these days (and treat it just like other appointments you can't cancel), otherwise you won't do it and something else will take precedence. It's just like maintaining your car, cleaning the house, watering the plants. Keeping yourself mentally and physically healthy should be the highest priority, because potentially large consequences are attached when you don't do this.

Describe what a maintenance week (vacation) looks like Just like a maintenance day, you also plan vacations. I would always recommend planning this far in advance so that you have something to look forward to (but this is of course personal). A whole week long on the beach, going to a city, a cabin in the middle of nowhere, a week long home improvement, doing something adventurous every day.

Describe what the consequences should be of such a day An example of the consequence of a maintenance day could be: Calmer, more energy, less irritable, kinder, smarter, sharper, more forgiving, more creative, more patient, more space in your head.

Maintenance. This is what I want to do daily: for example meditate, walk, social contact This is what I want to do weekly: for example exercise, read, meet with friends This is what I want to do monthly, for example go to the sauna, go out with friends This is what I want at least once a year. for example 2 weeks completely out, do nothing, be in a different place, experience adventure.

What are the consequences if you don't do this? How will you notice and what will it cost you? (both in a literal and figurative sense).

What are the consequences if you do this? What does it bring you?

What things help with relaxation? Sports, massage, running, cycling, reading, gaming*, watching YouTube*, cleaning, in the sauna, having a drink with friends, going to the city, shopping, social media*, tidying up, washing the car.

Question: How often would you need to do these things to stay physically and mentally healthy?

What gives you energy? For example: social contacts, sports, throwing away stuff

What costs a lot of energy? For example: Procrastination, unhealthy eating, working too much, too much social media

Step 4. Love and Comfort.

Love yourself as if you were your favorite pet

Emotions are part of being human. So experiencing tension, having a short fuse, being gloomy, anxious, unreasonable, or quickly thrown off balance, is just as much a part of life as joy, positivity, energy, fun, euphoria, etc. Whether these emotions are caused by specific setbacks or something you might not fully understand, is a very important question. Typically something to discover in conversations with a psychologist. What's especially important for this manual is what you can do to recognize it and learn to steer, help, comfort, motivate, and patch yourself up. It's of great importance to learn to have understanding for yourself, without immediately having too much judgment (like: I'm overreacting, I just need to act normal, why am I overreacting?) because that strategy often doesn't work. That also doesn't mean that you can just let yourself get away with things that aren't okay. Because sometimes you do indeed need a push to get through something and not give up, sometimes you do indeed need to call yourself to order and be critical or strict. Essentially, it's about learning to understand what's happening (have understanding), recognize patterns, and adopt a good strategy to deal with it.

In short, knowing when to take a step forward, back, or stand still is essential to functioning well in the long term.

Answer the following questions as a tool:

These are my Pitfalls: For example: victim behavior, blaming yourself, being mean to yourself, making snap judgments about others.

Make a plan for when things aren't going well For example: make a simple structured day where I only do simple tasks, or call someone, withdraw a bit, make no big decisions, try to exercise, write or talk.

These are situations in which I often struggle (experience emotions) For example: When I have a conflict, dread something exciting, something hasn't worked out, have little energy, can't find motivation.

These are people I can call/message when things aren't going well Choose people you can trust. Also clearly state what you need. If you just want to vent, say so clearly, because otherwise someone might think you want a solution or advice.

Call these people when I want to let loose Activate your party friends.

This is how I notice when things aren't going well For example: short fuse, quickly emotional, poor concentration, stiff neck, tired, insecure

This is how I notice when things are going well For example: energetic, resilient, enthusiastic, creative, happy

How long does a bad moment usually last? Try to keep track next time of how long bad moments (hours, days, weeks) last. This information can help you next time when things aren't going well. Then you have a point to focus on.

What helps me For example: Sharing, seeking love and warmth from others, cleaning, tidying, exercising, facing feelings.

What doesn't help me For example: Drugs, passivity, forcing myself to be cheerful (when I'm not), closing off from others, running away from the feeling.

What's the worst that can happen in a bad moment? That I hurt myself and others

How best to deal with a bad mood? For example: allow myself to have a bad mood (be human), without being too unpleasant to others.

Step 5. Challenge (Challenges) and Goals

People are not made for too much comfort: challenge yourself!

There are different kinds of feelings that we as humans have labeled as 'positive'. These include (1) achieving certain valuable goals (such as getting a diploma, finishing a job, winning at a sports competition, achieving self-defined goals), (2) removing something negative (reducing pain, alleviating worries, reducing fear/shame guilt loneliness), (3) rest and relaxation (vacation, leisure time, playing games, chilling, having fun, enjoying pleasure) and (4) experiencing connection with others (connection, friendship, intimacy).

The most important thing is that you know how much of each you need. In other words: if you can never relax and are always busy, you can practice something that relaxes you. But if you're not motivated and just relaxing all the time, you'll have to figure out for yourself what a real good reason is to get out of bed every morning. Just: “because it has to” is not enough. It's about finding something that you as a person value. Something that you find so beautiful, wonderful, important, deep, interesting, and challenging, that they would actually have to tie you down to not get out of bed for it. The 30-day challenges are a good example of this. To push yourself and see what you can do, that might be a good option. But what might be even more important and what the next step could be is that you take it a bit broader and bigger. What is your mission in life? Why is that? What do you get out of it? What are you aiming for? And why? What is your WHY in life.

Mission with examples For example: I want to become the best psychologist I can be and explain the most deep and complicated psychological concepts in an understandable and appealing way. I want to expand and deepen my creative mind. I want to help people make themselves better people. I want to write books, make podcasts. Be a good man that I could respect myself. I want to find wisdom.

This is my Dream Here is where I want to be in a month: Here over 6 months, a year. This is where I'm headed and want to be in 3-5 years

This is my Nightmare Here is where I absolutely do not want to end up, for example: addicted, lazy, in debt, undisciplined, hard-hearted, nihilistic, cynical, aggrieved, angry, dramatic, selfish, not following my dreams, doing things because I think others want me to.

These are potential dangers for me. For example: alcohol, drugs, smoking, procrastination, laziness, being overworked, setting boundaries too late, one-dimensional development, superficial relationships, one-night stands, too much on the phone, too much TV/movies watching, conspiracy theories.

Responsibilities and Sacrifices This is what I will do for it: For example: Take good care of myself, take good care of the people around me, get up on time, motivate myself, reward myself, fall on my face by trying, celebrate victories, allow failure, invent challenging goals, take good care of my environment, make my environment more beautiful and better, discipline myself, express gratitude for what I have, help others, be there for people who need me, push myself in a direction that I think is good for me.

This is what I will give up for it: Too much drinking/ too often drugs, unnecessary spending, wasting time on pointless things, social media, watching TV, gaming, unhealthy eating, not resting enough, getting up too late, being busy with things I can't influence (the weather, the economy, traffic, politics, the neighbor, my colleague), gossiping, judging myself and others negatively.

Here is what I am grateful for. For example: my talent for... ,my friends, family, the fact that I live in a country with freedom, have food, a roof over my head, that nice neighbor, my beautiful pet, my driver's license, health.

This is what a good day looks like for me. For example; the combination of working on what is valuable to me (a (long-term) goal) and experiencing relaxation and connection with someone else.

This is what I actually don't want, but is good for me. For example: getting up early, discipline, eating healthy, exercising, doing something nice for someone, helping others, doing something challenging

This is my biggest pitfall For example: going too hard, giving up too quickly, punishing myself, not taking time to learn something.

If you've actually read it all, good for you! I hope you found it useful. Go ahead and start working on your own user manual, it will definitely provide you with knowledge about yourself and make you aware of your own needs, pitfalls, and talents. It can help you determine direction, set goals, and stay away from things that are bad for you and your environment.

If you're looking for more knowledge, authenticity, and wisdom? Do not hesitate and contact me for a conversation and come by my own practice in Rijswijk (ZH).

The first consultation is always free with me, after all, you never know if it clicks.

info@rubensanavro.nl Whatsapp: 0616547150

Hope to see you soon.

Ruben