Head vs Heart

7 Tips for the age-old feud between reason and emotion

Thinking

Thinking: the universal human pastime. Whether you want it or not, you do it. Not only because random thoughts pop into your head all day long, but also because you're constantly asked to think. You 'must' continuously make choices and decisions. Whether they're major decisions - like ending a relationship, choosing to have children, or quitting a job - or something less significant - like what to spread on your bread, which color curtains match the floor best - it's a series of decisions that require you to use your head.

With our thinking, we navigate ourselves in the world, avoid (future) obstacles, and set (and hopefully achieve) goals. We try to predict to some extent how our choices will turn out by projecting possible consequences of our actions in our heads. In other words, what would happen if I do this, what if I do it this way, what if I press this button?

For this, we need an incredible amount of computational power because we have to imagine something that (yet) doesn't exist, define various variables, make predictions about their course and influence, determine alternative routes, compare them based on previous knowledge (from ourselves or others), and then weigh what the 'best' option is. We create simulations in our minds of what we can imagine as the consequences of our possible choices. That's an enormous amount of calculation.

Humans are the only species capable of thinking at this abstract and conceptual level. We can philosophize about things that don't exist, think far ahead, look back, and learn incredibly well, both from our own experiences and those of others. We can even invent things that don't even exist in the 'real world', just like that, out of nowhere, poof! And there it is! Our thinking ability is so incredibly powerful that we can create with it. Just look around you. All human-made objects such as buildings, roads, instruments, machines, and artworks all started in someone's head, as a fantasy, a thought. And now we look at them, use them, can see and touch them. It's incredible when you think about it.

To facilitate this decision-making process, we use something called 'reason'. In other words, the 'thinking' part of us that tries to make a well-considered, logical decision between alternatives based on the available information. This information is (hopefully) based on facts and probability calculation and enables us to make a relatively objective decision based on variables that we consider relevant.

Feeling

But in the process of choices and decisions, we don't just use the rational part of ourselves. We're not purely thinking beings; we also have another side, a much more elusive, deeper side: feeling.

Think about how you choose a car or buy clothes, or feel drawn to something or someone, think about gut feelings, taste, interests. It's certainly not all purely rational. Sometimes it's even the opposite.

You have no idea where that attraction to certain things comes from, and you can't explain it rationally either. Why do I find that so beautiful? Where does my taste in music, clothing, beauty come from? If everyone only used reason, we would all think purely practically and linearly and only choose products with the best price-quality ratio; music wouldn't even exist because why on earth would you use your hearing for repetitive sound waves that don't contain important information? But that's definitely not how it works, and in my opinion, that's a good thing because it's often the irrational things that make life so interesting.

These two sides - reason and emotion, the head and the heart, thinking and feeling - have been the battleground of the human psyche for decades. The two don't seem to get along very well. They don't understand each other, don't speak the same language. They're the two opposite primal forces trying to coexist in one being. It's a universal dual human characteristic, that one voice vs the other, the animalistic and the machinelike, the soft and the hard, Chaos vs Order, the soul and the logic.

People are far from one-dimensional in this regard. We're walking paradoxes. We often try to be as rational as possible and at the same time are driven by invisible forces from the depths, which can sometimes be so overwhelming and incomprehensible that in those moments of despair, we often don't know what to do with ourselves.

In this article, I want to try to examine the eternal struggle between the heart and the head more closely. Ending with tips and tricks that have helped both myself and my clients in practice to deal with this inherent human contradiction.

Reason

Reason stands for intellect, logic. It's thinking (as opposed to feeling), the head (as opposed to the heart), and reasoning (as opposed to instinct).

With reason, we try to look at reality as neutrally as possible, without adding too much subjectivity or feelings. Reason is characterized by weighing different alternatives, balancing the pros and cons, investment vs return. It acts based on logic.

The Strength of Reason

Reason is sometimes seen as a distant, cold, and calculating way of thinking: mechanical, without soul or humanity. And there may be some truth to that, but the question is whether that's always so bad. In some situations, that calculating look is precisely the only way to achieve your goal. Sometimes reason is the (life-saving) solution everyone is waiting for: the medicine for an illness, the cool-headed surgeon who removes a tumor without any emotion, the legal system that, despite the human emotional tendency to take revenge, gives everyone a fair trial, the engineers who build bridges. It's a good thing that these people don't get carried away by emotions but instead think and act rationally, logically, and relatively detached. Because certain tasks simply require pure reason, without any 'contamination' from human emotion. You can't make a bridge withstand the maximum predicted load with your emotions. Nah, it'll hold, I feel these things...

The Pitfall of Reason

You can also go too far in your rational approach. Looking at the world purely rationally has a number of dangers. When you always strive for the most logical, pragmatic, and practical, in a kind of ultimate 'truth-driven process', you can sometimes forget that you're almost always dealing with people. So, you can question whether truth - from a human perspective - is always found in a rational way. In some cases, pure reason is the nail in the coffin. When you tell someone that it's pointless to cry because it won't bring back your just deceased dog, you may be right rationally, but you're missing the mark. When you tell a fan that it's just a game, that going out to eat is a waste of money (cooking at home is much cheaper), and that an engaging series is just a story made up by people you don't know. These are all things that may be right from a purely rational point of view, and yet they're not really 'true', at least not for humans. Reason alone sometimes simply doesn't cover it.

Emotion

Unexplainably Fascinating

Life therefore demands - in addition to the rational, thinking side - room for emotion. Those mostly inexplicable (and fascinating) things that people do based on a gut feeling, their heart, intuition. Things that can't be explained rationally, but that nevertheless play a major role in our lives and are often a driving force behind our decisions. It's those inexplicable things that make life so beautiful, special, and unique. Without them, life would be very boring and meaningless.

The Strength of Emotion

Emotion is often seen as the opposite of reason, but it's just as important. Emotions make us human. They give color to our existence, provide depth, make life worth living. Emotions can be incredibly powerful and motivating. Love, passion, enthusiasm, but also anger, sadness, and fear: they all drive us, make us act, determine how we experience the world. Emotions give us energy and direction. They're the fuel for our actions and decisions. When we're emotionally involved in something, we're often much more motivated and willing to invest time, energy, and effort.

The Pitfall of Emotion

But emotion also has its pitfalls. It can cloud our judgment, make us impulsive, irrational, and reckless. Emotions can make us overlook rational arguments, lead us to make decisions that we later regret, or cause us to act in ways that harm ourselves or others. Emotion can lead to conflict, misunderstanding, and irrational behavior. When we're overwhelmed by emotions, we may lose sight of our goals and values, act impulsively, and make decisions that aren't in our best interest in the long run.

Finding Balance

So, how do we navigate this eternal struggle between reason and emotion? How do we find the right balance between the head and the heart? Here are 7 tips to help you reconcile these two conflicting forces and make better decisions in life:

1. Awareness: The first step is to become aware of your own tendencies and biases. Pay attention to when you're acting out of pure reason and when you're being driven by emotion. Notice how these two forces influence your thoughts, feelings, and behavior.

2. Pause and Reflect: Before making a decision, take a moment to pause and reflect. Consider both the rational and emotional aspects of the situation. What are the logical arguments? What are your gut feelings telling you? Take the time to weigh the pros and cons and consider the potential consequences of your actions.

3. Seek Balance: Strive to find a balance between reason and emotion. Acknowledge the importance of both in your life and try to integrate them harmoniously. Recognize that there are times when it's appropriate to rely more on reason and times when it's okay to follow your heart.

4. Listen to Your Intuition: Don't ignore your intuition. Sometimes your gut feelings can provide valuable insights that your rational mind may overlook. Trust your instincts and listen to what your heart is telling you, especially in situations where there's no clear answer.

5. Practice Empathy: Try to understand where others are coming from and empathize with their emotions. Recognize that everyone has their own unique perspective and experiences, which may influence their behavior. Be compassionate and considerate in your interactions with others.

6. Cultivate Emotional Intelligence: Work on developing your emotional intelligence. Learn to recognize and manage your own emotions effectively, as well as understand and empathize with the emotions of others. This will help you navigate social situations more skillfully and build stronger relationships.

7. Seek Support: Don't be afraid to seek support from others when you're struggling to find balance. Talk to trusted friends, family members, or a therapist who can offer guidance and perspective. Sometimes an outside perspective can help you see things more clearly and make better decisions.

By integrating reason and emotion in a balanced way, you can make more informed and authentic decisions that align with your values and goals. Remember that both head and heart have their strengths and weaknesses, and by honoring both, you can lead a more fulfilling and meaningful life.